Family therapist: It's OK to feel sad during the holidays
During the holidays, conflicts between loved ones can arise more easily. It helps to remember all feelings, including sadness, are valid, says family therapist Kristel Päll.
Speaking on Vikerraadio's "Huvitaja," Päll said disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship.
"We all have different perspectives, beliefs, habits and patterns stemming from our families of origin," she noted. "And at some point, that can start to affect your family life."
Päll said people usually seek out family therapy once disagreements begin to repeat themselves and can no longer be resolved at home. That can include ongoing arguments between partners or concerns related to children, such as difficulties at school or struggles with behavior.
In some cases, couples will turn to couples counseling or therapy after they've decided to split. The goal, she said, is to separate amicably "so that co-parenting can continue peacefully and in a supportive way for the children."
The holiday season can bring added strain. Families spend more time together, routines change and many people travel to see relatives scattered across the country. According to Päll, that can breed tensions that might not otherwise surface.
Large holiday gatherings can also amplify generational differences.
"With so many opinions around a shared dinner table, that's already fertile ground for conflicts to arise," Päll said. She suggested thinking ahead about which topics may be better to avoid.
"If we know there are topics like politics where our views sharply differ, maybe those shouldn't be brought up at Christmas dinner," she said.
Päll noted that couples often lose sight of their own relationship while focusing on raising young children. Parents may function well as a team, she said, but the family's foundation still depends on the strength of their partnership.
Attachment styles also play a role in how couples relate to each other.
"When a couple first gets together, we tend to idealize our partner during that honeymoon phase," the therapist explained. But people can change themselves, their attitudes and how they handle things in their family — including how they interpret and react to various situations.
Be honest with yourself, set gentle boundaries
With Christmas right around the corner, Päll encouraged families to reflect on their expectations for the holiday itself. Traditions can be meaningful, but it's still worth asking whether they feel right.
"'Do I actually enjoy this, or could I change something so it doesn't turn into just another commercial holiday?'" she suggested.
When disagreements start to escalate at family get-togethers, Päll recommended setting gentle boundaries rather than pushing through the argument.
"If disagreements at Christmas dinner get too heated, you can politely say, 'I understand we see this issue differently, but maybe we can continue this conversation some other time,'" she said, adding that people can also suggest focusing on the kids and the good food instead.
Such unaddressed conflicts often linger unresolved, but sometimes, in the moment, it can help to bring some verbal closure to it. Päll says using "I" statements can make that easier, helping defuse tension without assigning blame.
"Something like, 'I don't have the energy to keep talking about this; it's starting to upset me,'" she said.
Most of all, Päll emphasized that emotional balance does not mean feeling nothing but positive emotions. Sadness, she said, deserves space too.
"You should allow yourself to feel sad sometimes too — you can't be happy all the time," she said, noting that all emotions are valid.
Stepping away briefly or naming your feelings can help, she added. You can't assign emotions to others around you, but you can be honest about your own.
--
Editor: Annika Remmel, Aili Vahtla
