Estonia is facing a historically low birth rate, but that doesn't mean people have given up on starting families. Both statistics and personal stories show the opposite: Estonians do want children, but significant obstacles are pushing parenthood further into the future. "People will always want to have children. The worry or fear that soon no one will be having kids is actually unfounded," said educational psychologist Merilin Mandel on Vikerraadio's program "Teise mätta otsast."

Public discussion often centers on how to persuade those who don't want children to have them anyway. But according to the show's guests, that approach is a waste of resources. People who are firmly committed to a child-free life are always a minority in society, they noted, and pressuring them won't produce the desired results. "I feel like we focus too much on people who don't want children. We spend too much time debating how to change their minds and that just seems like a bad plan," said Mandel, who also runs the Instagram account "Jess, lapsed!," which focuses on parent education and mental health and has nearly 30,000 followers.

To patch the demographic gap, Mandel believes a far more effective approach is to focus on those who are already parents or who want to become parents but face barriers. This includes couples struggling with infertility as well as families considering a second or third child. "As an educational psychologist, I would like every child to be born to someone who truly wants to become a parent. I think that alone would solve many of our social problems," Mandel said.

Money not a magic wand

While government support is important, lack of money is not the main reason children aren't being born, according to the program's guests. Instead, finances tend to influence when people choose to have children. Most young people are more focused on who they are having children with — whether the relationship is stable and whether they can count on their partner to share parenting responsibilities. "The core question is still who I'm having these children with. Do I believe we'll raise them together or will I end up being solely responsible?" said Merilin Mandel.

According to Liili Abuladze, senior researcher at Tallinn University, there are no simple solutions to boosting birth rates. "Direct incentives definitely don't work. They might have a very minor effect, if any, and it's temporary," she said. Instead, countries like South Korea have started shifting toward broad-based support packages that take into account a person's life course and provide assistance over time.

To strengthen families' sense of security, Abuladze said a more equal division of household responsibilities is crucial, but outdated attitudes continue to hold back greater involvement from fathers. "This directly affects the caregiving burden, which in Estonia still falls primarily on women. In addition to raising children, people may also need to care for their aging parents. These are all things people think about when considering starting a family: Can I handle it all?" she explained, adding that the more unequally the caregiving burden is distributed, the greater the perceived risk for the individual.

At the same time, Abuladze pointed out that although change is slow, simply talking about these issues can also be an effective tool. "Roughly 10 to 15 years ago, there were certainly many more rigid societal norms around how starting a family was supposed to look," she said.

Who is a good enough parent?

In addition to financial and relationship concerns, fear of not meeting society's high expectations also holds people back from starting families, the guests noted. Parents often worry that they won't be "good enough," which can lead to anxiety and hesitation, especially when they lack a supportive community.

"As an educational psychologist, I see these stories up close. I see parents crying, especially mothers, who are basically trapped in a state of constant guilt. It's no wonder they're afraid to have a second or third child if they're already mentally a complete mess," Mandel said, adding that both social media and parents themselves contribute to this pressure.

She argued that expectations for mothers should be lowered, which could also make parenting feel less intimidating for fathers. "To be a good-enough parent, you just have to raise your child to be, put simply, a reasonably normal person. You don't have to tear yourself apart or sacrifice your whole life. Joy in life doesn't end when you become a parent," she said.

Much of it, Mandel believes, comes down to mindset. She gave examples from her Instagram community where fathers staying home with their children are sometimes mocked by other men at work or among friends — something that discourages men from embracing the parenting role. "That creates an internal barrier, where you don't want to stand out for something that might get you socially excluded," she explained.

On a broader level, the guests agreed that forcing people into parenting roles is not a wise approach. Abuladze emphasized that instead, we should be exploring personal stories — why men often don't take part in childcare and other household responsibilities. She also stressed the importance of creating a lasting sense of security that supports people throughout their life, not just at the moment a child is born. "I keep emphasizing the need to build a broader environment where everyone can realize their life goals — that's the core objective," the demographer said.

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