All men. Yes, all men.

All men because the statistics clearly demonstrate that the problem of violent men is systemic and pervasive. Systemic problems can only be solved by treating them as such. We cannot hope that every individual will simply decide to change their ways. We must focus on the social conditions and attitudes that have allowed a particular ill to flourish. Then perhaps some people will make an effort to improve themselves.

And if we approach the problem by examining its causes, looking at the bigger picture and returning to the statistics, then it is entirely reasonable to generalize: all men.

A mentality that tolerates violence still prevails in Estonia. A very large share of society — and of opinion-makers and lawmakers — sides with the perpetrator, whether that perpetrator is a harassing boss or colleague, an abusive partner or a rapist or pedophile (also most often operating in the home!).

The excuses offered in defense of abusers, including several prominent cultural figures, do not withstand scrutiny. Our laws protect abusers. Don't believe it? Read, for example, Tambet Laasik's articles. I highlight them because they are written from a lawyer's perspective and may be more convincing to skeptics than the stories of people who have experienced violence. And if that is indeed the case, it only further confirms the violence-tolerating mentality that is widespread in society.

In short, all men.

Yet nearly all public discourse blames victims (though this tendency has largely migrated to certain conservative channels, private conversations, social media and comment sections) and offers advice on what to do if something like this has happened to you. "Something like this" is a euphemism concealing a horror: you were raped or beaten in your own home, which ought to be the safest place of all.

These things do not really "happen." One may accidentally trip. One may spill coffee. An act of violence has a perpetrator behind it; it is not a "tragic incident," as a murder was recently described.

I am convinced that our primary focus should be on talking to perpetrators of violence. Constantly and more and more often. I am not offering ready-made solutions, but I will give one simple example. Every article dealing with sexual violence or intimate partner violence includes a brief guide on what to do if you become a victim. This is necessary and extremely welcome. Indispensable.

But what if those articles also included advice for perpetrators? Hm? To open the discussion, I will venture a few suggestions for situations where it has "happened" that you raped or sexually assaulted someone, or, for example, abused your partner:

• Turn yourself in to the police. This is not really a gender-specific virtue but a basic human one. Still, if I had to name one character trait that is also considered "masculine," it would be honesty — taking responsibility for your actions. If you were brave enough to do it, be brave enough to admit it.
• If you know an honest person, ask them to stay with you and make sure you do not change your mind before giving your statement.
• Do not embellish what you did. Do not deny it. Do not start explaining how the victim was dressed. It is never about that. It is about you.
• Tell the police if you used drugs.
• At this moment, you may feel that you do not want to pursue the matter officially, that you will know better in the future and never do it again, that all this trouble would ruin your life. But first, you have already ruined someone else's life, and second, there is a very real possibility that if you back out now, tomorrow you will begin finding excuses for yourself and eventually forget the whole thing because that is easier. And the day after tomorrow, you will repeat the offense and likely lose any hope of growing into a decent human being.
• When you wash yourself, use soap, not the drool of men who cheer one another on.

Yes, we must also think about the deeper roots of the problem — economic relationships, for example, and men's overall dominance in nearly every sphere of life. But that discussion can wait for another time.

Above all, I hope this article emphasizes a few points:

• Yes, all men!
• Yes, a systemic problem must be treated as a systemic problem.
• Most importantly, we need to speak to perpetrators of violence. That is not happening at all right now. Boys must not be allowed to remain boys; they must become adults. This must be demanded of them plainly and directly and they must be guided as wisely and as persistently as possible. Taking responsibility helps a person become a genuine member of society again.

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