Satire: Of the time the prime minister and regional minister took the bus
Lääneranna Municipality's amateur archaeologist Tarvi (name changed) discovered a black box by the sea containing recordings of conversations that took place on what historians believe was the last county bus ever to operate in Estonia. According to experts, Prime Minister Kristen, Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes and Undersecretary Sigrid were indeed real people and did, on one verified occasion, actually ride a bus.
A transcript of the black box recording from the bus operating on Route 62-2 Pärnu–Audru kool–Tõstamaa–Varbla–Pivarootsi–Virtsu.
— Good day, esteemed passengers. My name is Mart and I am your driver. We are beginning service on the Pärnu–Audru kool–Tõstamaa–Varbla–Pivarootsi–Virtsu route. The next stop is Audru kool. I wish you a pleasant journey.
— Good day, esteemed passengers. My name is Undersecretary Sigrid, and I kindly request that all students and pensioners now proceed to the front of the bus to purchase a ticket. It is not expensive at all; it is a discounted ticket with which we will make the transport network more convenient and faster, which also means that we will not be stopping at Audru kool. In other words, anyone wishing to disembark there must jump off while the vehicle is in motion. Those who do not purchase a ticket must likewise jump. I wish you a pleasant journey.
— The next stop is Tõstamaa.
— Good day, esteemed passengers. My name is Prime Minister Kristen. I wish you a pleasant journey, but I must once again inform you that we will not be taking fare money from children and pensioners. I would like to see which one of us is stronger — myself or some official… well then, come at me if you dare… oh, twisting arms now, are we…
— Good day, esteemed passengers. My name is Undersecretary Sigrid, and I do not believe the prime minister is in any position to determine who must purchase a ticket and who must not. Our objective is to make the prime minister more convenient and faster, so please come forward and buy a ticket.
— Good day, esteemed passengers. My name is Mart, your driver. The next stop is Varbla.
— Good day, esteemed bus driver Mart. I am bus passenger and long-time pensioner Ilme, and I was supposed to get off at Tõstamaa, but Undersecretary Sigrid and Prime Minister Kristen were grappling in front of the door and I was unable to get past them.
— Good day, esteemed bus passenger and long-time pensioner Ilme. I am Undersecretary Sigrid, and I recommend that you disembark in Varbla, but please now purchase a ticket to Varbla instead of Tõstamaa. I wish you a pleasant journey.
— Good day, esteemed Undersecretary Sigrid. I can certainly purchase a ticket to Varbla, but what am I to do there in Varbla?
— Good day, esteemed bus passenger and long-time pensioner Ilme. I draw your attention to the fact that we have made Varbla more convenient and faster. I wish you a pleasant Varbla.
— Good day, esteemed bus passenger and long-time pensioner Ilme. I am Prime Minister Kristen, and here is your ticket money returned — I have taken it from my own pocket, please note.
— Good day, esteemed bus passenger and long-time pensioner Ilme and Prime Minister Kristen. I am Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes.
— Good day, esteemed Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes. I am bus driver Mart. What is it that you would like?
— Good day, esteemed bus driver Mart. I have no earthly idea. Which stop are we at already?
— We will soon arrive in Pivarootsi.
— Must the passengers who live in Tallinn pay to keep this stop?
— Good day, esteemed Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes. I am Prime Minister Kristen. I am from Tallinn and I will pay.
— Good day, esteemed Prime Minister Kristen. I am Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes, and I believe that instead of Pivarootsi we could drive to Tallinn, as my cows need watering and my pigs and sheep feeding.
— Good day, esteemed passengers. I am Undersecretary Sigrid, and I wish to impress upon you that I did not elect this prime minister.
— Good day, esteemed prime minister, undersecretary and regional affairs minister. I am school student Tiina, and I would like to know whether I must purchase a ticket and whether I will be able to get off in Pivarootsi in order to bring my grandmother honey drink and berry cake.
— Good day, esteemed school student Tiina. I am Prime Minister Kristen, and I will tell you plainly that you will indeed be able to disembark in Pivarootsi, and it is an opportunity I recommend you take advantage of, because this will be the bus's final trip to Pivarootsi. We do not have the funds to maintain this route, as there are only two passengers on the bus — you and pensioner Ilme, who in turn already disembarked in Varbla. All the rest of us are currently engaged in reorganizing the route network. But do not cry, little Tiina. The bus will no longer come, but neither will you have to purchase a ticket. Tell your grandmother how good I am.
— I am Regional Affairs Minister Hendrik Johannes, and I believe grandmother could nevertheless transfer us a little money. I wish her a pleasant payment.
— Pivarootsi. Have a lovely day, Tiina. Good day, esteemed prime minister, regional affairs minister and undersecretary. I am bus driver Mart, and we will not be stopping in Virtsu, because I intend to drive this bus straight into the sea. I wish you a pleasant journey.
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Editor: Marcus Turovski
